Jesse Vitelli Newsletter: This is late I know

hi hello this newsletter is late this week because over the weekend I decided to get absolutely tanked at my best friend’s wedding and my brittle boned body has been recovering from it for almost 48 hours.

Luckily, the power of zero sugar Gatorade is on my side and a lifetime of wonderful memories made over the last few days.

I’ve been to almost 30 weddings in my life, but this was my first time being part of a wedding. Nothing really prepares you for standing up there watching two people you love so much start the next part of their lives when mere moments prior you were walking down the aisle to Never Forget from the Halo 3 soundtrack.

Anyway, here are my new tips for being in a wedding that are certified fresh

• Actually drink water so you don’t end up like me

• don’t wait until 15 minutes before you’re leaving the hotel to print out your vows, it doesn’t work out great

• as per note 2, give yourself at least 20 minutes extra for everything you need to do

• don’t wear the dumb tuxedo shoes from Men’s Wearhouse unless you want your feet to fall off

• Check your pockets before exclaiming to people you’re missing key parts of your tuxedo and sending everyone into a whirlwind trying to problem solve a thing you should have just checked your pockets for

• Become friends with the hotel night manager so they hook you up with all the good shit

Work

I’m still unemployed please help ok thank you

I can’t stop listening to Porter Robison

I don’t know when it happened, or how it happened, but I cannot stop listening to Porter Robinson and I don’t know who to blame for this. Anyway, his new album shreds and y’all should listen to it. I’m too tired to link it, just google it or whatever, idk, I’m not your dad.

New life hack

I learned apparently if you ask at weddings, they will just give you chicken fingers for dinner. I have proof. My friend Greg did this and it changed my life forever.

Should I buy this?

I’ve been looking at this sweater for a few days now and with fall approaching i feel like I should buy it. You’re so right, thank you for your input, I will purchase it.

Friendly’s menu

I was reminded this weekend about the wild shits that Friendly’s just has on it’s menu like it’s a totally normal thing to order. Just look at this shit. I love a good dog as much as everyone else, but you can’t tell me you’re going to sit down and get that at Friendlys.

I’m going to name my two children Mac and Frank after the iconic Friendly’s menu item, followed by our dog Dippin Chicken.

Ok we’re done

It’s a shorter one this week, I’m probably going to go throw up now and maybe sleep for 12 hours, who knows!